Where Are You Most Happy?

I always look forward to and enjoy time at my parents' home, the house that I halfway grew up in. I say halfway because we moved there in my teens, so the other half was at our other house. :-) I've realized lately, though, that when I am there I look forward to going back to my own home. When I arrive there, however, I quickly begin to miss my brothers and begin looking forward to the next trip a few miles out west.

The same is true when I'm in Arkansas. I'm always looking forward to the next visit to Kentucky, my husband's hometown, but a couple days after being there, I'm ready to go back to Arkansas. This never fails to be true with any mission trip or vacation as well. For example, I'm hoping so much for a beach trip this year, but I know from past experience that almost as soon as I get there, I'll be getting ready to be back in my own bed, kitchen, etc.

All of that got me to thinking where it is that I am really most happy. Sure, there are moments in life that make me truly happy, like when I'm in a crowd of people singing my favorite song with a beautiful piano accompanying us in the background. I wouldn't want even those moments to last forever, though, as eventually I'd want to move on to something else that makes me happy, like watching a good movie with my husband and then sleeping in the next morning with the windows open and birds chirping. All of these things and places make me happy, but only temporarily. None of them would make me happy permanently. I can't even choose one place or thing or combination of the two that makes me 'most' happy. They all have their drawbacks that decrease their 'happy-ability' (side note: making up words makes me happy, too).

I had a conversation with a friend this week about longing for heaven. We both agreed that we don't do a very good job of that. There's too many things we want to do in life, like getting married and having kids and everything else that goes along with that 'happily ever after' life. We talked for a long time about why we think those things will make us happier than the return of Christ would make us. What are we looking to as our all-consuming passion and source of joy?

I'm pretty sure that heaven will be the place that truly makes me the most happy. In fact, it will be more than happiness. It will be joy. True joy. I'm 100 percent positive that once I get there, I won't be ready to return. That is home...real home. Do I really long for that? Do I look forward to my eternal residency there? Am I eagerly awaiting the return of Christ? If so, that changes everything about the way that I live here.

'Revelations'

I am already loving this "backwards through the Bible" thing. I finished reading Revelation today, and tomorrow I'll finish 2 & 3 John. Three books down in five days? That's so much more motivating than spending weeks in The Pentateuch. :-)

Really, though, I've been surprised at how it changes my reading. Day 1 was glorious as I read the end when God's ultimate glory is accomplished and sin is finally put to death. It felt like I was reading the end to the most amazing movie I've ever seen...well, times a gazillion. It was incredible. But then suddenly, in Days 2 and 3, sin was back again, and man was it ever being punished severely. It was pretty painful to read its final blows upon mankind. Seriously awful. Every time I got caught up in the dreadfulness of it all, though, I remembered. I already know the end! This doesn't last! Sin IS defeated!

Day 4 (the first 5 chapters) is full of beautiful praise and declaration of God as the only One worthy. It's also full of warnings to the churches because of the 'drama' that's about to happen between God and sin. It's warning them to be steadfast, to be more than lukewarm, to be faithful. Those words from the Lord to those churches were so much more meaningful to me after having just read WHY God is warning them. He knows what's about to happen and how they will be tested through great persecution. He's preparing them in a way only His great love can do. I never would have picked up on that while reading forwards.

Oh, and one other bonus I realized after starting this endeavor. My dear husband is reading forwards as I am reading backwards. That means that there will be one incredible day when we're reading the same thing. I told him we need to plan to do something really big that day...because for once, we'll be on exactly the same page. :-)

New Projects for a New Year

I'm not a new years resolution person at all. I'm not a fan of making plans in December to change in January if the change should've been made in November. I do, though, like symmetry and organization and clean slates of a sort. So, I've decided to start a couple of projects that just happened to work best if started on January 1st.

The first is the most important. It's the Bible reading plan. I did really well last year, but I still didn't finish the whole Bible in a year. That's not a big deal to me. It's more important that I'm consistently reading it. It does help me, though, to have a plan to stick to for accountability purposes. I decided to do something a bit different this time around. I'm starting at the end and reading backwards. Day 1 will be Revelation 19-22, Day 2 will be 12-18, and so on. I have a few reasons for doing that, but one big one is something I heard from a friend several years ago. He told me how neat it was to read the fulfillment of prophecy before he got to the actual prophecy, as that made God's faithfulness stand out to him. I'm looking forward to that. I'm also eager to read the end and everything that leads up to it, before finally getting back to "in the beginning" at the end of the year. There's something about seeing the simple beginning when there was nothing after reading for a year about everything that came of that nothing. I had thoughts of using a Bible reading app (YouVersion has a really great one), but there's something weird to me about reading from a phone. I like my pink Bible with a few years of notes, and I enjoy adding to those. I'm opting for a different type of accountability. I have a notebook dedicated to this year of readings, and each page is going to hold a prayer or my own notes on the passage that day. I've gone through and written the readings in each page, so if I don't follow through, I'll waste one of my favorite journals. (That's me knowing myself and what motivates or pressures me :-)!) I have high hopes of the treasure this notebook should be to me someday.

Next project is a pinterest project. I have a notecard for each day of the year. At the end of the day, I will write down something I did that day that wasn't something I would do any other day. For example, today I wrote that we started a San Diego puzzle while watching a few episodes of Seinfeld. I'll do that every day, and then next year, I'll do the same thing on the same cards. In a few years, I can look back and see what I did on every January 12 for the past 10 years. I imagine that could get really fun when we have kids and I can document all of their firsts and such. Ryan hasn't quite bought in yet...he doesn't think our life is all that special! I think he will appreciate it eventually, though. I'm willing to try. :-)

As far as goals, I am planning to read more for fun this year. I have several books I've been wanting to read, and now that all of my cross stitch projects are done, I have some fun time back. My health goals are different than any year before. Since my body has rejected almost all food since July, weight loss has been an unexpected gift of 2011. Instead of that goal again this year, I'm hoping to eat a cheeseburger sometime in 2012. A real one...or at least one that's not been turned into a milk shake so that I can drink it. So gross. Along with that, I want to be a leader in joy this year. I've been a Debbie downer a lot in 2011, and the Lord has been working in my heart on that for a few weeks now.

I expect this year to bring a lot of changes. I would love to see my full health again. I'd love to be able to get pregnant sometime in the next 12 months. I long to have some clarity in where God has Ryan and I placed ministry-wise in the future. I'd like to make some close friends to enjoy life with. I need to grow in some relationships with those I am already close with... There are many things I'd like to see changed in 2012. But, there's only one thing that is sure not to change, and that's something that gives me peace in all of the other areas. My God isn't going to change. He is Who He is now and forever, and I don't want Him any other way.

Ministry Overload

We knew this would be a challenge when we got married, but the past month has been a greater challenge than we ever expected.

With Ryan and I both working in ministry...two different ministries...and with both of us trying to be involved in the other's ministry (because ministry is a good thing), we have become overloaded very quickly.

Notice the trend in that sentence? Ministry...ministry...ministry...ministry.

It's such a good thing, and we both love and feel called to what we're doing, but it can wear you out.

The past month has been full of church planting vision trips, budget planning meetings, trip debriefs, trip planning meetings, fellowship dinners, outreach events, outreach planning, life groups, mentorship appointments, international student lunches, and more...all on top of the usual 7 or 8-5 work schedule and regular church services.

Oh, and all of that on top of marriage. Or is it marriage on top of all of that?

That's the problem. Where do WE fit into all of those good things? People are constantly asking us, "how's married life?" or introducing as as "the newlyweds." Wait. Oh yeah...we're still technically newlyweds. Where has the time gone?

Where were all of the fun date nights and evenings at home curled up on the couch watching a movie? When did those happen?

Oh right. We had to cancel them because of ministry.

I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I love what God has called us to and am grateful that we and our home can be used for the spread of the Gospel and God's glory.

But I'm not going to fake it either. This is hard.

I miss fun. I miss simplicity. I miss rest.

And that's why they call it sanctification. It wasn't meant to be easy. It wasn't meant to be fun, or simple or peaceful. It was meant for the glory of God and my joy.

My joy.

Am I seeking that joy? Am I choosing that joy? Am I reaping the rewards that God longs to give me as I willingly and joyfully serve him?

That's more than a rhetorical question. That's a question that, when answered honestly, demands action.

That action is a change of my heart.

planes are like babies...

My fear of flying is much like my fear of giving birth.

When the process starts, I remind myself over and over that people do this all of the time without any problems at all. It's a pretty natural thing. That should comfort me and I should be perfectly fine.

But I'm not.

I'm not perfectly fine because there have been a few (comparatively speaking) instances where it went wrong. It would only have taken one mishap for me to be frightened. A few mishaps have been enough to make me terrified.

Most likely, when I get on a plane tomorrow morning, I'm going to go through all of this in my mind. Most likely, I'll arrive at my destination in normal fashion. But I'm still going to be scared to get on the next plane.

When Trials Should Come...

Though Satan should buffet,

Thought trials should come,

Let this blessed assurance control:

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

and has shed His own blood for my soul.

 This has been the longest 12-day stretch of my life, I think. It's been 12 days of pain, mental and physical exhaustion, desperation and spiritual warfare. I feel like such a weakling to use words like that, but it's really been hard.

It all started while on vacation in Saint Louis, on our last full day there and during the meal I had been looking forward to the most. I was almost finished with my grilled chicken sandwich when I choked on a normal-sized bite. That's happened before, regularly in fact since the first of the year, so aside from being embarrassed and a bit scared for the moment, I didn't think much of it.

But then dinner came and I couldn't swallow anything. Not even ice cream. I was up most of the night in dreadful pain because I couldn't swallow well and because I was having abnormally bad acid reflux (I've dealt with this for years now). I knew that I just needed to get some rest and the next day would be okay, and I finally fell asleep.

But then Sunday came...and I couldn't eat breakfast, or lunch...or dinner. It's hard to explain, but I just couldn't swallow. This led to a starvation diet of sorts for a couple of days until I succumbed to seeing the doctor. Their first thought was that it was an issue with my gallbladder, so we did an ultrasound on that. Normal.

Okay, so let's try some ulcer (heavy antacid) medication. Oops...allergic reaction that results in a panic attack that results in my first-ever visit to the emergency room. That was humbling on so many levels. Once again, everything checks out okay, so the doctor recommends a scope of my esophagus.

There was a lot of "red tape" of sorts to get the scope scheduled, so it was a week later before we got to do that. Oh my. My heart rate was above 130 before they started. I was terrified. I would rather have any other surgery, I think, than have someone stick a tube down my throat. My mouth is tiny as it is and there is no room for anything unusual in there. Goodness, even my tonsils got kicked out a few years ago. :-)

The anesthesia worked perfectly for a few minutes but then I woke up right in the middle of the procedure. I remember trying to push them away and gagging uncontrollably (attractive, right?) before I guess they gave me even more gas. The doctor told my mom later that they gave me as much as possible while still allowing me to breathe on my own. I guess everything went okay after that, as the next thing I remember was seeing my mom and Ryan walk into my little curtained area.

Doctor: "I can't find anything wrong."
Delirious Me: "You can't find anything right?"
Doctor: "No, I can't find anything wrong. You're completely normal."

At this point I start weeping uncontrollably. I couldn't even talk. Ryan tried to explain to the doctor for me that I was just devastated because I fully expected the problem to be resolved that day, or at least that the problem would make itself known. He assured us that he didn't see anything, but that he was going to schedule a Barium swallow for Friday to see if perhaps there was a muscle issue affecting my ability to swallow. I couldn't do anything but cry for several minutes. I've lost 10 pounds at this point.Something is wrong.

Strangely enough, I was able to eat that night. All I can say is that it is the abundant grace of God that He allowed that when I needed it most. It was such a blessed gift to me that evening.

Wednesday morning came, though, and I couldn't eat again. I made a big mistake and tried to start with oranges, which I think really messed me up because of their acidity. Another day with little to no food. Desperation is setting in.

Today has been a better day. I've decided to try taking an over-the-counter antacid every day for a bit in hopes of healing my esophagus from damage caused from acid reflux. It's all I know to try right now, in addition to taming my diet considerably. Tomorrow we will do the Barium swallow (which I'm not hearing rave review about, but after the scope, I think I can handle most anything) and see what that shows.

So that's where we're at. I've been able to eat a bit today and that's encouraging, but I still feel like I'm searching for answers to a problem I never expected to face. This whole experience has given me so many lessons that will no doubt stick with me longer than this issue will. This post is already long, but it's been a while, so please indulge me if you can.

1- I place way too much value on food. If going without it for 12-ish days makes me this miserable mentally as well as physically, it's something I am far too dependent on. That's very different now.

2- Food may help me live, but it's not what gives me life. The Word of God is my Bread of life. Jesus is my satisfaction. God has already taken me from death to life. Food is merely a gift from Him to provide for a physical need - it does nothing for my soul.

3- My husband really loves me. I've known this, but to hear him say he would take this in my place, or even rather die than to see my suffer, that means something. The fact that he has been patient in my exhaustion and lack of interest in cooking food that I can't eat is pretty special, too.

4- I don't need nearly as much food as I think I do. An Ensure milkshake really is enough to get me through lunch. I don't need a biggie sized fry, hamburger and diet coke (oh, the irony) to get me to dinner.

5- There are much greater problems that I could be facing. Many people around the world are hungry because they have no food, not because they can't swallow for a season. Do I care as much as I want people to care about me right now?

6- God is bigger than any of this. He could remove it from me in an instant, but He has chosen not to at this time. Somehow, He can receive more glory through this than through a 'healthy' me. I've seen some proof of that so far, but so much of it I just have to trust. I might not ever understand, but I have to accept.

Where does all of that leave me? Humbled. Thankful. Changed. Well.

It is well with my soul.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

It's Been A While...

Is there a blogger out there that doesn't apologize for long gaps between posts? If so, I'm not following them.

So there's the apology...here's the excuse. We moved. I really expected it to be an easy task since we had so much time (more than a month) to get it done. What I didn't realize, though, is that once you get to a certain point, you have to choose one place to live and it no longer works to move a little at a time. You can't have your kitchen in one place and your clothes in another. That just doesn't make sense. So, with the help of my parents and some unusually helpful brothers, we did it in two days. We found out later that if we had finished a day earlier, we would've gotten half a month's rent back. That's another story that probably shouldn't be told, though. Too much bitterness. Let's just say no Burnses or Martins will rent from Lindsey Management ever again.

Moving did a tricky number on my emotions, much to my surprise. I had been so eager to have a house and just get it done, but once we locked the apartment for the last time, I teared up a bit. A lot of really great things happened there. A lot of really hard things happened there, too. But they all changed me, grew me, developed my marriage. It was sad to think that we were leaving our first home together behind, probably never to see it again. It was even more sad to know that this weekend, a man will be moving in there that just left his wife. That was hard for me to swallow. That apartment housed the beginning of our marriage and will now house the end of another marriage. Heartbreaking. All in all, it was just a sad experience to leave that stage of life.

It's been such a joy at the same time, though, to have our first "home" home together. We've gotten stressed out over things like hanging curtains and landscaping, but we've loved every minute of it. We've done it together. We can picture a baby or two running around in the back yard and sleeping in the front bedroom. We look forward to Ryan's parents seeing it for the first time and having friends over for dinner. It's a special time in our lives that I wouldn't want to trade.

It's just a lot of emotions...really even hard to put into words. In case I forget to blog for a while and you lose me, I'll be easy to find. I'll be the one laughing and crying and laughing again.