Tuesday, September 14, 2010
nothing hidden
I'm becoming more and more grateful for people like John & Angela Mueller who are willing to bare their lives in order to better prepare Ryan and myself for marriage. We had another counseling session last night, and it's just so good to have someone tell you point-blank specific things that will inevitably cause struggle and difficulty in marriage, but to look you in the eyes and give Godly encouragement and wisdom for those times as well. We talked about submission and leadership last night, along with needs, roles, etc., within the marriage. As I mentioned in my last post, it's so refreshing to go through this ahead of time and to see the weight of the commitment we're making now rather than wondering what in the world happened later.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
a heavy heart
It's been crazy the last week or two learning what goes into readying oneself for marriage, or rather, a couple readying itself for marriage. As we've delved head-first into pre-marital counseling materials, we've learned a lot about ourselves and about what we're getting ourselves into. The best thing, though, is realizing that it's God Who is getting us into it - it's not about us or for us really. It's about Him. Realizing that is easy. It's living it out that gets hard.
So many things that we thought we had worked out already...like how we do the laundry, who manages the budget, how we handle birth control, where we spend holidays...suddenly aren't as easy because it's not just about what works well for us, but what God has called us to. We haven't found that there is any big problem with that either between us as a couple or between us and the Lord, but there's still a new level of thought that has to be involved in every decision. And it just so happens that all of that thinking can make a man and a woman tired and cranky. It's a challenge, but I'm so very grateful that we're dealing with it now rather than going into marriage thinking it's going to be a piece of cake (although there will be cake, and lots of it, involved in the first day of our marriage).
We haven't written our vows yet, but we've been talking about them. They seem to become weightier each day, and I mean that in a good way. I can't imagine standing before God and declaring these vows that mean almost nothing to me because I don't understand them. Just as I'm daily learning more and more about what my covenant with Christ means, I want to daily grow in my knowledge of what my covenant with Ryan means. It gives the term a "heavy heart" a whole new meaning, and I love it.
So many things that we thought we had worked out already...like how we do the laundry, who manages the budget, how we handle birth control, where we spend holidays...suddenly aren't as easy because it's not just about what works well for us, but what God has called us to. We haven't found that there is any big problem with that either between us as a couple or between us and the Lord, but there's still a new level of thought that has to be involved in every decision. And it just so happens that all of that thinking can make a man and a woman tired and cranky. It's a challenge, but I'm so very grateful that we're dealing with it now rather than going into marriage thinking it's going to be a piece of cake (although there will be cake, and lots of it, involved in the first day of our marriage).
We haven't written our vows yet, but we've been talking about them. They seem to become weightier each day, and I mean that in a good way. I can't imagine standing before God and declaring these vows that mean almost nothing to me because I don't understand them. Just as I'm daily learning more and more about what my covenant with Christ means, I want to daily grow in my knowledge of what my covenant with Ryan means. It gives the term a "heavy heart" a whole new meaning, and I love it.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
the holiness talk
I'll just ignore the white elephant in the blog. You know, the fact that it's been more than a month since I posted even though I committed to put my words out there publicly more often than that. It's that looming statement that I'm choosing to ignore and not even bring up. I've been busy.
It's funny. I find myself surprised that there was still so much to do "wedding-wise" even after mentally planning so much ahead of time, but everyone else hears that we're done planning with 80 days to go and thinks we're way ahead of schedule. Personally, I would have liked to have been done a month ago. Really, though, I'm enjoying it, so I'd probably be bored if there wasn't so much to do.
Enough with the wedding talk, though. I'm not that kind of blogger. I've been processing a lot after a summer of mission trips, and especially as we really dive into marriage counseling (promise, that's the last wedding reference). I'm realizing just how dreadfully far away from holiness I am. At times, I'm so overwhelmed by my own sinfulness, I wonder how a saved person can feel that much guilt. I am convinced that God has saved me, but my sin seems so big, and the reality of what it deserves is deadly. More than guilt, though, I think I'm daily increasing in the realization of God's grace in my life. The more I learn about who God is and what He has done and continues to do in my life, the more I see the depth of who I am - which is nothing. The fact that God looks at me now and sees Jesus Christ is incredible. It's that kind of awakening that is drawing me more and more to the Lord and that is creating within me a deepening desire for holiness.
It's funny. I find myself surprised that there was still so much to do "wedding-wise" even after mentally planning so much ahead of time, but everyone else hears that we're done planning with 80 days to go and thinks we're way ahead of schedule. Personally, I would have liked to have been done a month ago. Really, though, I'm enjoying it, so I'd probably be bored if there wasn't so much to do.
Enough with the wedding talk, though. I'm not that kind of blogger. I've been processing a lot after a summer of mission trips, and especially as we really dive into marriage counseling (promise, that's the last wedding reference). I'm realizing just how dreadfully far away from holiness I am. At times, I'm so overwhelmed by my own sinfulness, I wonder how a saved person can feel that much guilt. I am convinced that God has saved me, but my sin seems so big, and the reality of what it deserves is deadly. More than guilt, though, I think I'm daily increasing in the realization of God's grace in my life. The more I learn about who God is and what He has done and continues to do in my life, the more I see the depth of who I am - which is nothing. The fact that God looks at me now and sees Jesus Christ is incredible. It's that kind of awakening that is drawing me more and more to the Lord and that is creating within me a deepening desire for holiness.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I'm glad I was ready to say yes!
I guess it's about time I update this thing on the details of the surprise-laden birthday weekend. The actual birthday ended up being overshadowed just a smidge, but I have decided to be okay with that. It's been nine days since the event, so hopefully I can remember the most important stuff.
We left my house at 5:45 in the morning, 15 minutes ahead of schedule. We weren't far down the road when I was allowed to open my gift, which was a Razorback glass (symbolic, perhaps, of his accepting my Hog-ness) filled with red confetti and ticket to see the musical Wicked. I was super excited because I had been wanting to see the musical for quite some time. I remembered earlier in the week that we had talked a few months back about the musical being in St. Louis on my birthday, so I had a hunch, but I wasn't sure of anything. Once I opened that, I assumed that this was the big surprise that he had been planning, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would not be getting engaged on this particular day. Ryan made a passing remark that before lunch he wanted to go down by the arch and take a picture for my birthday, but I didn't really think anything of it.
So we get to St. Louis and Ryan starts to get a bit nervous, but he told me it was because the Fourth of July parade was shutting down traffic and he didn't want us to be late to lunch. I kept trying to tell him that we had plenty of time, since it was only 10:45 and our lunch reservation wasn't until 12:30, but he really wanted to go take this picture. I start to get only slightly suspicious at this point...
We find a parking spot in a parking garage (for which we should have paid, but it wouldn't take his credit card, so we got off free...sneaky, sneaky), and Ryan immediately grabs my hand and starts walking. I can't imagine how he didn't notice that my hand was shaking, because I think I was really starting to suspect something. Still, though, I was doing a good job of containing myself in case nothing was going to happen. We walked down to the fountain in front of the capitol building in front of the arch (whew!) when he asks the question that convinced me otherwise..."Do you want to sit down?" Why was this boy who was in SUCH a hurry suddenly wanting to sit down and relax by the fountain? It was about to happen!!! We sat down and he said lots of nice things (which I don't remember, but see below...) before saying this:
"Do you remember when we were here in January, and you said I looked like I had a ring? [I say yes or nod or both] Well, I actually have one today."
At that point he pulled a ring out of his pocket (I vividly remember seeing the green box come out of his pocket and covering my mouth), got down on one knee and asked me to marry him!! I said yes about three times and then gave him a hug. He got up and put the ring on my finger, which took a minute because my hand was shaking, and then I kissed him and said yes again. There was a group of people watching us that started to clap, which was pretty cool. I looked at the ring for a while and then we started having random people take pictures of us. At some point I called my mom and then started calling everybody else. Of course no one was surprised except my grandma, but that didn't matter. I was engaged!!
When we got to the car, Ryan gave me another gift. It was a three-part frame with the picture from January on the left, a place for a proposal picture on the right, and in the middle he had written out everything that he said to me before proposing (see above). He's the best!
From there the day became a bit of a blur. We kept calling people until we got to lunch (at the Triumph Grill, which was wonderful but with lacking service) and then again until we went to see Wicked. In the words of a tv show I once watched, it was "Wicked awesome!" Finally we then made it to Kentucky, where we crashed after quite a long day. I kept having to remind myself that it was my birthday...didn't really feel like one this year, but I'd still say it was the best one yet!
We left my house at 5:45 in the morning, 15 minutes ahead of schedule. We weren't far down the road when I was allowed to open my gift, which was a Razorback glass (symbolic, perhaps, of his accepting my Hog-ness) filled with red confetti and ticket to see the musical Wicked. I was super excited because I had been wanting to see the musical for quite some time. I remembered earlier in the week that we had talked a few months back about the musical being in St. Louis on my birthday, so I had a hunch, but I wasn't sure of anything. Once I opened that, I assumed that this was the big surprise that he had been planning, so I resigned myself to the fact that I would not be getting engaged on this particular day. Ryan made a passing remark that before lunch he wanted to go down by the arch and take a picture for my birthday, but I didn't really think anything of it.
So we get to St. Louis and Ryan starts to get a bit nervous, but he told me it was because the Fourth of July parade was shutting down traffic and he didn't want us to be late to lunch. I kept trying to tell him that we had plenty of time, since it was only 10:45 and our lunch reservation wasn't until 12:30, but he really wanted to go take this picture. I start to get only slightly suspicious at this point...
We find a parking spot in a parking garage (for which we should have paid, but it wouldn't take his credit card, so we got off free...sneaky, sneaky), and Ryan immediately grabs my hand and starts walking. I can't imagine how he didn't notice that my hand was shaking, because I think I was really starting to suspect something. Still, though, I was doing a good job of containing myself in case nothing was going to happen. We walked down to the fountain in front of the capitol building in front of the arch (whew!) when he asks the question that convinced me otherwise..."Do you want to sit down?" Why was this boy who was in SUCH a hurry suddenly wanting to sit down and relax by the fountain? It was about to happen!!! We sat down and he said lots of nice things (which I don't remember, but see below...) before saying this:
"Do you remember when we were here in January, and you said I looked like I had a ring? [I say yes or nod or both] Well, I actually have one today."
At that point he pulled a ring out of his pocket (I vividly remember seeing the green box come out of his pocket and covering my mouth), got down on one knee and asked me to marry him!! I said yes about three times and then gave him a hug. He got up and put the ring on my finger, which took a minute because my hand was shaking, and then I kissed him and said yes again. There was a group of people watching us that started to clap, which was pretty cool. I looked at the ring for a while and then we started having random people take pictures of us. At some point I called my mom and then started calling everybody else. Of course no one was surprised except my grandma, but that didn't matter. I was engaged!!
When we got to the car, Ryan gave me another gift. It was a three-part frame with the picture from January on the left, a place for a proposal picture on the right, and in the middle he had written out everything that he said to me before proposing (see above). He's the best!
From there the day became a bit of a blur. We kept calling people until we got to lunch (at the Triumph Grill, which was wonderful but with lacking service) and then again until we went to see Wicked. In the words of a tv show I once watched, it was "Wicked awesome!" Finally we then made it to Kentucky, where we crashed after quite a long day. I kept having to remind myself that it was my birthday...didn't really feel like one this year, but I'd still say it was the best one yet!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
to be or not to be ... surprised
I (and many others) am so ready for this weekend to get here. It's my birthday Saturday and Ryan is taking me on a mini-vacation of sorts; only, I don't know any of the details. A few months ago, I told him that I wanted to be surprised, but now that it's only 40 hours away, the suspense is killing me. Here's what I know at this point:
- We leave at 6:00 AM Saturday. We must be on the road at 6:00, so he will be in my driveway at 5:50. I will understand at 6:00 why we are leaving at that precise time. For a few brief moments, I thought that maybe this was so that we could watch the sunrise together like we did on Mt. Sinai, but after having the sun wake me up around 5:20 this morning, that's obviously not the case.
- We arrive at his parents' house in Kentucky at approximately 8:00 PM Saturday. For those who can do simple math (that's all I can do anymore), that gives us 14 hours to get there. It only takes eight. Evidently, we are stopping at some point along the way, which was confirmed earlier this week.
- We are eating for lunch on Saturday at some place that has a good variety of food options. I don't know if this is to be a place familiar to me, but if it is, and if he's smart and has a good memory, it'll be Ruby Tuesday. About a month and a half ago, I answered the "favorite restaurant" question in front of him and RT was my choice. I also pointed out at that moment that he and I never go there. We still haven't been.
- I'll meet Alan (his mentor) on Sunday at church, and we'll have grilled pork chops for lunch. I'm assuming something will happen between lunch and dinner, but if it doesn't, we'll have either pizza or Italian food right after the pork chops.
- A reference was made in passing one night last week that we would be watching the fireworks from next to the river. I don't know which river and I don't know which day and I don't know if I was supposed to hear that. I'll act surprised. Oh, and I'll enjoy it - because fireworks are kind of a big deal to me, and we left two separate baseball games early this year (missing the fireworks show) because we were a) sore losers and b) hungry. I'm ready for fireworks, and I don't mean the cheap ones my brothers set off last night right next to Ryan's car.
- We'll have a "yummy breakfast" on Monday morning and arrive home at some point on Monday. Can you tell I've only received the food itinerary so far?
- I'll be given a packing list this evening, but am not permitted to ask any questions about it at all. It was suggested to me this morning by my boss that I just pack everything up in a U-Haul and expect the Justice of the Peace to be in the passenger seat next to Ryan. For the record, as ready as I am to be married, I would like to retain the opportunity to execute all wedding plans! :-)
That's pretty much everything I know...I think I've given up on guessing. It's taking too much effort and I'd rather be surprised. I think.
- We leave at 6:00 AM Saturday. We must be on the road at 6:00, so he will be in my driveway at 5:50. I will understand at 6:00 why we are leaving at that precise time. For a few brief moments, I thought that maybe this was so that we could watch the sunrise together like we did on Mt. Sinai, but after having the sun wake me up around 5:20 this morning, that's obviously not the case.
- We arrive at his parents' house in Kentucky at approximately 8:00 PM Saturday. For those who can do simple math (that's all I can do anymore), that gives us 14 hours to get there. It only takes eight. Evidently, we are stopping at some point along the way, which was confirmed earlier this week.
- We are eating for lunch on Saturday at some place that has a good variety of food options. I don't know if this is to be a place familiar to me, but if it is, and if he's smart and has a good memory, it'll be Ruby Tuesday. About a month and a half ago, I answered the "favorite restaurant" question in front of him and RT was my choice. I also pointed out at that moment that he and I never go there. We still haven't been.
- I'll meet Alan (his mentor) on Sunday at church, and we'll have grilled pork chops for lunch. I'm assuming something will happen between lunch and dinner, but if it doesn't, we'll have either pizza or Italian food right after the pork chops.
- A reference was made in passing one night last week that we would be watching the fireworks from next to the river. I don't know which river and I don't know which day and I don't know if I was supposed to hear that. I'll act surprised. Oh, and I'll enjoy it - because fireworks are kind of a big deal to me, and we left two separate baseball games early this year (missing the fireworks show) because we were a) sore losers and b) hungry. I'm ready for fireworks, and I don't mean the cheap ones my brothers set off last night right next to Ryan's car.
- We'll have a "yummy breakfast" on Monday morning and arrive home at some point on Monday. Can you tell I've only received the food itinerary so far?
- I'll be given a packing list this evening, but am not permitted to ask any questions about it at all. It was suggested to me this morning by my boss that I just pack everything up in a U-Haul and expect the Justice of the Peace to be in the passenger seat next to Ryan. For the record, as ready as I am to be married, I would like to retain the opportunity to execute all wedding plans! :-)
That's pretty much everything I know...I think I've given up on guessing. It's taking too much effort and I'd rather be surprised. I think.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
lost post number one
Creating this public blog prompted me to go back and read some of what I had posted on the secret blog. The last post was dated February 17, 2009, and I now realize why I made it so secret. For about a year, every post was about boy troubles...then happiness because of a boy...then boy troubles again. While most of the time I just want to laugh at myself because of those posts, at the same time it's making me so very grateful for the sovereignty of God. His timing is perfect. I see that now. Check out this post for example, dated January 1, 2009.
Another New Year...
It came last night and I didn't even realize it...2009 is here to stay for another 365 days, and 2008 is something that I'll never see again. It's kinda crazy really when you think about it, especially when you start thinking about everything that happened during 2008. Last year when we said goodbye to 2007, I was really kind of sentimental about it, but this year I'm really actually glad to see the old year go. It's been a good year in a lot of ways with many good and life-changing moments, but it's been a hard year in a lot of ways, too. Thankfully, this New Year's, I feel like I am headed in the right direction in my life, whereas last year this time I was in the wrong places and looking towards the wrong things for my future. God has been so faithful in His discipline of me and in His pursuance of me in the last year, and for that I am grateful. I am so undeserving of the grace that He has shown me throughout my trials, and also for the many blessings that I've seen through the good times...He is so good! Looking to 2009, there are a lot of really scary things coming up. For example, I have no money for school, not to mention the many other expenses that seem to keep coming up. Also, I am still struggling with the loss of the close relationship with Ryan that I had back in November...I feel like something will change in that here in the coming weeks, but I just don't know what. God is really teaching me patience and reliance upon Him in that situation. Another scary thing is that I graduate from school (forever) on May 9th. I have no idea at all what May 10th holds, but I know that my life is going to change drastically at that point. I'm feeling more and more the beginnings of a leading towards ministry work, and not knowing how that fits into the whole Master's degree thing is hard. There's just a lot of stuff coming up and it's scary, but I am resting in the knowledge that God is still sovereign and He's still going to be faithful in every single thing in my life, just as He has been my whole life. Why should that change just because the number at the end of the year changed?
Happy New Year!
Crazy...I don't even remember feeling all of those things, and yet now I see that in just a year and a half since then, God has completely shown Himself faithful in each of those areas. Even though I laugh at myself for saying those things, being able to see His faithfulness now is tremendously encouraging. He's still doing that today! That definitely won't change even when I read this a year and a half from now.
Another New Year...
Happy New Year!
Crazy...I don't even remember feeling all of those things, and yet now I see that in just a year and a half since then, God has completely shown Himself faithful in each of those areas. Even though I laugh at myself for saying those things, being able to see His faithfulness now is tremendously encouraging. He's still doing that today! That definitely won't change even when I read this a year and a half from now.
Monday, June 28, 2010
No more secrets
After months of harassment for having a "secret blog," I think I'm finally ready to go public. Not that anyone has missed out on anything significantly life-changing, but apparently the idea of a blog for personal use only is one of those "curiosity gets the best of me" sorts of things. I assume it's probably better to give those curious readers something to satisfy them in order to keep them from getting into the off-limits area, anyway. So here it is - my first public post.
In the words of Julie Andrews, "let's start at the very beginning..." Oh, and you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head. At least it's nearing mid-afternoon and you won't have to hear it too long (unless of course you're of the night owl type). But back to the beginning. I wanted to name the blog "Waiting to Say Yes," but that title was already taken. "Ready to Say Yes" basically says the same thing, although I actually like it better now than I did the original option. The idea stems from the fact that I am happily dating my best friend, but find myself more often than not lately waiting to say yes to him. Waiting to say yes to that gigantic question that every girl dreams about - that question that changes the course of my life forever. That question of "will you marry me" is all that I wait for these days, it seems. Even though that question should come any day now, though, I think it's become a preoccupation rather than just an attitude of eagerness. This is why I'm glad that Google decided for me that "waiting" should become "ready." I think I'm ready to finish being preoccupied and instead to become ready. To have an answer prepared for whenever he should ask me.
I didn't base my blog title on something that will become invalid in potentially days, though. That would be as nonsensical as secret blog. Rather, in keeping with my past habits of writing, I turn this into something spiritual. I am at a point in life where more so than ever, I feel ready to say yes to whatever God would ask of me. Obviously, there are things He asks of me daily to which I must say either yes or no, and I have that desire to easily say yes. That doesn't mean I'm good at saying yes, and every yes is not as eager as the one before or after, but I'm ready. Waiting to say yes...but not wasting the present with a preoccupation with what might be next. Rather, ready to say yes to anything...everything...even when it might change the course of my life forever.
In the words of Julie Andrews, "let's start at the very beginning..." Oh, and you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head. At least it's nearing mid-afternoon and you won't have to hear it too long (unless of course you're of the night owl type). But back to the beginning. I wanted to name the blog "Waiting to Say Yes," but that title was already taken. "Ready to Say Yes" basically says the same thing, although I actually like it better now than I did the original option. The idea stems from the fact that I am happily dating my best friend, but find myself more often than not lately waiting to say yes to him. Waiting to say yes to that gigantic question that every girl dreams about - that question that changes the course of my life forever. That question of "will you marry me" is all that I wait for these days, it seems. Even though that question should come any day now, though, I think it's become a preoccupation rather than just an attitude of eagerness. This is why I'm glad that Google decided for me that "waiting" should become "ready." I think I'm ready to finish being preoccupied and instead to become ready. To have an answer prepared for whenever he should ask me.
I didn't base my blog title on something that will become invalid in potentially days, though. That would be as nonsensical as secret blog. Rather, in keeping with my past habits of writing, I turn this into something spiritual. I am at a point in life where more so than ever, I feel ready to say yes to whatever God would ask of me. Obviously, there are things He asks of me daily to which I must say either yes or no, and I have that desire to easily say yes. That doesn't mean I'm good at saying yes, and every yes is not as eager as the one before or after, but I'm ready. Waiting to say yes...but not wasting the present with a preoccupation with what might be next. Rather, ready to say yes to anything...everything...even when it might change the course of my life forever.
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